A Newborn and a Toddler

5 things my children did today to make me smile:

  1. J did a wee on her potty
  2. H fell asleep while I was talking to my Mum without rocking or feeding
  3. J and I had big cuddles, lots of them
  4. J and I danced to her favourite song
  5. H sleeping all the way through settling J to sleep in his sling

Today I did nothing. I didn’t want to. I gave up. I’ve spent the last two weeks doing everything I possibly can to keep J happy, and it hasn’t been working.  My problem is simple, my problem (as far as J is concerned) is H, my 9 week old little boy. So today, I put the telly on, watched what felt like 300 episodes of ‘Caillou’ and hugged her. I didn’t try to entertain her, or cheer her up, or take her out. I simply took hold of her skinny little body and tried to convey her importance through touch. I’m not sure if it helped but she seemed happy enough with cuddles, and happily swopped sides to go to my free arm when I fed him.

J’s problem is H. My problem is tiredness. I’m ‘mean Mummy’ when I’m tired. I yell, I say all the things you shouldn’t, and it’s hard. So, I’ve started writing this blog. I plan to start every post with the 5 things my kids have done that made me smile today. I want to try and look back on the hard days and think to myself – you know what, my kids are brilliant – because if I’m completely honest I haven’t been feeling it. J is only 2 years 7 months old. A great big ball of emotion. She is acting up, and I am the cause. The guilt that accompanies something like that is huge. I’ve always been her comforter, she never took to a dummie, or blanket, or toy, she just had me – and I was always there. However, now H is here it is like another kid has come and sat on her blankie, she can still get to the edges, but she can’t wrap herself up in me anymore. She needs more of me, but no matter how much I give it isn’t enough.

I’m working on it though. It’s a journey.

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